Famous Funny Quotes

  1. Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. ~Will Rogers
  2. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together. ~Oprah Winfrey
  3. I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. ~George Burns
  4. A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. ~Groucho Marx
  5. I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. ~Oscar Wilde
  6. A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  7. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  8. The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin
  9. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe. ~Albert Einstein
  10. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. ~Sam Levenson
  11. A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
  12. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
  13. A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on. ~Samual Goldwyn
  14. Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.
  15. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. ~Oscar Wilde
  16. The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~Tom Waits
  17. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ~Oscar Wilde
  18. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do? ~Unknown
  19. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? ~Unknown
  20. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? ~Unknown
  21. Don’t wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself. ~Unknown
  22. Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead. ~Unknown
  23. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. ~Unknown
  24. You can’t leave footprints in the sands of time if you’re sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time? ~Unknown

Related Articles