Funny Quotes

  1. There is a light at the end of every tunnel….just pray it’s not a train! –quote It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
  2. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
  3. baby your everything i want
  4. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils …
  5. Never judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. By that time, they’ll be a mile away and barefoot.
  6. Student vs. Teacher
    Teacher: If there are any idiots in this class, stand up.
    Student: *stands up*
    Teacher: Now, why are you an idiot?
    Student: I’m not, I just hate seeing you standing up there alone.
  7. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  8. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
  9. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
  10. A rich man’s joke is always funny.
  11. Curiosity killed the cat, and saved the rat.
  12. Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get. ];
  13. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
  14. Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.
  15. men and women
  16. When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  17. people want what they cant have and when they get it they dont want it anymore. practice makes perfect, but if no ones perfect, why practice?
  18. I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
  19. If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life
  20. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
  21. What do police cars and women have in common ?.. They both make a lot of noise if you do something wrong.
  22. Q. What’s a mixed feeling? A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
  23. A little boy walks up to his dad and says, “Dad! A boy in my class called me gay!”. Angry the father replied,”Well son, next time you see him, hit him real hard!”.The son replies , “I can’t dad, he’s soooooo cuuuuuute!”
  24. What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?* Stress is when wife is pregnant,* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,* and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
  25. Husband asks, “Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*”Without Information Fighting Everytime”Wife replies, “No, It means, “With Idiot For Ever” !”*
  26. “Life’s Tough . . . Get a Helmet!”
  27. WHO’S GUILTY?? Wife dreaming in the night suddenly shouts “Quick, my husband is back.” Man gets up, jumps out of the window & realize.. “Damn, I’m the husband”
  28. 3 guys were introduced to a woman,” Hi I’m Peter not a saint”, “Hi I’m Paul not a Pope”, ” Hi I’m John not a Baptist” Woman replies ” Hi I’m Mary, not a Virgin”
  29. Women have no sense of humor! Take my wife for example she didn’t find it nearly as funny as I did when I swapped her tampons for party poppers!!
  30. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  31. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…………
  32. Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’ Husband : ‘Sure! What are my choices?’ Wife : ‘Yes or no.’
  33. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
  34. boy: Dad, How was I born? Dad: well , son ur mom & I got 2getha at “Yahoo”. we set up a date via “E-Mail” & met in “CyberCafe” ur mom agreed to “Download Data” from my “Pen Drive”.So I put it in ur moms USB Port & just when I was about to “Transfer”, We realised that non of Us Had …”Installed” A Antivirus or Firewall. It was 2 late to hit “Cancel” nine months Later A “Pop-Up” appeared saying “You Have Got A MALE”
  35. y mom thinks ‘lol’ means ‘lots of love’ she texted me: ‘your grandma had just died. lol’ lmao!
  36. Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A: About 45 Pounds. Q: And between a husband and a boyfriend? A: about 45 minutes.
  37. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
  38. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  39. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  40. Wife: I just lost ten pounds! Husband: Turn around, I think I found them.
  41. Man grabs his wife’s butt “If this was firm, you wouldn’t need underwear” She turns around and grabs his penis “And if this was firm,I wouldn’t need batteries”
  42. Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said. When did you first notice this problem? What problem?
  43. A husband comes home from church. He greets his wife and lifts her up. He then carried her around the house. The wife was so surprised and she asked “did the bishop preach about being romantic?” The husband said “no he said we must carry our burdens and sorrows”
  44. A dumb blond, a clever blond, and Santa were playing poker. Which one won? The dumb blond cause the other 2 don’t exist.
  45. Arab student: Berlin is wonderful, I really like it here, but I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train. Dad: Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.
  46. A guy get pulled over for drink driving. He is way over the legal limit, so the cop arrests him. She says to him: “You have the right to remain silent! Anything you say can and will be held against you.” He replys: “Boobs.”
  47. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…. what more can I say………
  48. Wife: ‘What are you doing?’ Husband: Nothing. … Wife: ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’ Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’
  49. As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, “I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.””In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober”
  50. Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears? She didn’t want to get hearing Aids!
  51. Pete & mary were walking home from the pub. Mary says i need a piss and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers. Feelin horny pete puts his hand through the bush & feels something dangling between marys legs. He jokes have you changed your sex? Mary says no, iv changed my …mind im having a poo!
  52. Words men hate, “Stop”, “No” ,and “Don’t” unless used as “NO DON’T STOP!!”
  53. Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.
  54. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. See if life makes the same mistake twice.
  55. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
  56. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils … – Louis Hector Berlioz
  57. Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who’ll think he’s Tiger Woods. — Frankie Boyle
  58. Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife. — Shelley Winters
  59. When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror. — Burt Reynolds
  60. Sex is nature, and I believe in going along with nature. — Marilyn Monroe
  61. It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it’s a depression when you lose yours. — Harry S. Truman
  62. “There are three faithful friends—an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.”
  63. “I can resist everything except temptation.”
  64. “The shortest distance between two points is under construction.”
  65. “Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.”
  66. Men are like steel; both are worthless when they loose their temper.
  67. What if “the hokey pokey” is REALLY what it’s all about? — Curtis Spencer
  68. We are the people our parents warned us about. — Jimmy Buffett
  69. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others. — Groucho Marx
  70. The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does. — Source Unknown
  71. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. — Albert Einstein
  72. I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces. — Mark Twain
  73. Convent. A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness. — Ambrose Bierce
  74. I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. — Mahatma Gandhi
  75. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. — Flip Wilson
  76. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. — Groucho Marx
  77. Suicide is away of telling God, You can’t fire me I quit!!!!!
  78. Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion
  79. Don t count your chickens before they are hatched.
  80. Enjoy life it’s not a dress rehearsal.
  81. Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.
  82. People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public.
  83. Never answer an anonymous letter.
  84. Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
  85. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening,but this wasn’t it.
  86. I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
  87. It ain’t the heat; it’s the humility.
  88. The only reason I need these gloves is ’cause of my hands.
  89. If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.
  90. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

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