“The road to success is always under construction.”- Lily Tomlin
“Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.” – Peter Tosh
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and whatever you hit call it the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.” – Oscar Wilde
“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.” – Oscar Wilde
“I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights.” – Jay London
“In heaven all the interesting people are missing”- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”- Norman Wisdom
“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”- Erica Mann Jong
“California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.” – Fred Allen
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.” – Tommy Cooper
“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg
“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” – Stephen Wright
“The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.” – Gracie Allen
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things”- George Carlin
“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” – Robert McCloskey
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.”- Sam Levenson
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“A freelance is one who gets paid by the word — per piece or perhaps.” – Robert Benchley
“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson
“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.” – Oscar Wilde
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” – Jay Leno
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.”- Will Rogers
“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”- Will Rogers
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”- Author Unknown
“Just ’cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” – George Carlin
“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it’s pupils.” – Hector Berlioz
“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.” – P. J. O’Rourke
“Washington is a place where politicians don’t know which way is up and taxes don’t know which way is down.”- Robert Orben
“I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.” – Carl Sandburg
“The difference between life and the movies is that a script has to make sense, and life doesn’t.” – Joseph Mankiewicz
“You know you’re getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.” – John Mendoza
“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.” – Hedy Lamarr
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck
“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.”- Robert Purvis
“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.” – Robin Williams
“I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.” – Author Unknown
“Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.” – Kin Hubbard
