Hilarious New Year Wishes

  1. I will stop considering other people’s feelings when they so obviously don’t consider mine – if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I’ll tell him he stinks!
  2. I will go into McDonald’s and order a McSpreader.
  3. I will go into McDonald’s and order a McSlurry.
  4. I will cut my hair.
  5. I will grow my hair.
  6. I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
  7. Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
  8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
  9. I will think of a password other than “password” or “hello”.
  10. I won’t worry so much.
  11. I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).
  12. I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly….
  13. I will be more imaginative.
  14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
  15. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
  16. I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).
  17. I will not tell the same story at every get together.
  18. I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.
  19. I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
  20. I will think of a password for my computer other than “password.”
  21. I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
  22. I will not hang around girls – they think you love them and that sucks.
  23. Remember to brush teeth with bristly end of toothbrush.
  24. Don’t eat medicine just because it looks like candy.
  25. I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
  26. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
  27. I will try to figure out why I “really” need 11 e-mail addresses.
  28. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
  29. Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
  30. Always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump.
  31. Never again will I try to diffuse an explosive device with a known practical joker.
  32. I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.
  33. I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars.
  34. I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger brother.
  35. Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn’t your mom always say you were bit skinny.
  36. I will always “check for paper” when leaving the restroom.
  37. I will be more imaginative.
  38. Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.
  39. I promise to clean my room once a week even though I haven’t cleaned it more than once in the last year.
  40. I will always wear clean underwear, “just in case”.
  41. Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.
  42. Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl.
  43. Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking – it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.
  44. I will drink less beer, last year I drank enough beer to have kept the Titanic afloat.
  45. Watch more TV. It’s very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.
  46. Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year!
  47. Play more computer games. Scientists say they’re good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that.
  48. I will spend less money on buying useless stuff like this new DVD Rewinder I had ordered for Christmas.
  49. Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.
  50. Drink more. Wasn’t it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy.

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