Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don’t know.
Why do you feel safe under blankets? Its not like a murderer will come in thinking ‘I’m gonna kill…ahh sh*t! He’s under a blanket.’
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
DAD: Wanna Hear A Joke Son? SON: Yes DAD: Pussy SON: I Don’t Get It… DAD: EXACTLY!
If eating left over pizza for breakfast is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!
Dear vending machines, I’m sorry if my dollar isn’t straight enough for you. Sincerely, stop being so homophobic.
Dear Google Maps, your estimated time of arrival is my time to beat.
I named my hard drive ‘That Ass’ so once a month my computer asks me if I want to back ‘That Ass’ up.
Dear Santa, ( ) I’ve been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the time. ( ) Once in a while. (X) Fuck it. I’ll buy my own shit.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep that’s how you wash a cup.
I don’t get why gyms have mirrors…I know what I look like. That’s why I’m there.
Hopefully one day your life will be as cool as you make it appear on Facebook.
I probably could stand a chance on American Idol if I could bring my shower on stage.
I hate it when the cashier’s ask, ‘Is that everything?’ Uhh, no. I’d also like to purchase all of this invisible sh*t as well…
The teacher asks Timmy “why is your cat at school today?” Timmy says, crying, “Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, ‘I’m going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.’ so I’m saving him!”
My parents told me ‘You watch too much TV and should try reading more!’ So I turned on the subtitles.
If you’re talking behind my back, you’re in a good position to kiss my ass!
Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others are talking.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive…after you consider what Victoria Secret charges per cup.
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I’ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Sometimes I walk through the baby aisle at the grocery store as a reminder to always use a condom.
Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is calling me a doctor because I own Band-aids.
Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life.
100 calorie packs aren’t so bad if you have 3 or 4 of them.
Nutrition facts are useless, just show me how long I have to be at the gym if I eat this. Today I saw a baby with a bib that said ‘This dumbass put my cape on backwards.’
Facebook’s timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.
My ‘check engine’ light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there.
That awkward moment when you name your child ‘Christian’ only for him to grow up to be an atheist.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that its my cellphone.
It’s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
I DON’T have EX’s! I have Y’s. Like ‘Y the hell did I date you?!’
That one annoying relative who comments on everything you do on Facebook.
Changing your life is like a diet, most people fail in the first week.
