Top Funny Quotes From Twitter

  1. What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal? O_O
  2. MOM! I just got a ticket for speeding…” “How fast were you going?” “Obviously not fast enough, cause the bastard caught me.
  3. Dear phone companies, please make all phones have the same phone charger. Sincerely, at my friend’s house with dead phone battery.
  4. Einstein: Genius mind. Galileo: Great mind. Newton: Extraordinary mind. Bill Gates: Brilliant mind. Me: NEVERMIND.
  5. That awkward moment when someone is crying and you’re trying your hardest not to laugh.
  6. “Are you home?” “No, I just answered my home phone from a bat cave”
  7. Dear icebergs, sorry about global warming. Karma’s a bitch. Sincerely, the Titanic.
  8. That awkward moment when you keep talking & you don’t realize the person you were talking to, walked away.
  9. That awkward moment when Wikipedia copied your homework.
  10. That epic moment when you drop your iPod and your headphones save its life.
  11. I did in bed… I did it on the couch… I did it in the car… Texting is such an obsession. :)
  12. Pretending to think hard when your teacher is looking at you.
  13. Wouldn’t it be crazy if at the end of the last Harry Potter book, J.K Rowling wrote, “and then Harry suddenly woke up..”
  14. Dear models in facewash commercials, I honestly don’t know anyone who can splash water on their face, smiling, with their eyes open.
  15. That awkward moment when you see a bunch people from school hanging out at the mall and you’re there with your mom.
  16. Dear Math, I liked you, until you hooked up with the alphabet. Sincerely, you’re such a whore.
  17. That amazing moment when you type your homework on google and found EXACTLY what you need.
  18. “Can I ask you something?” “You’re already asking.”
  19. Teacher: I hope I don’t see you copying another student’s homework. Student: Yeah, I hope you don’t see that either.
  20. If sleep is SO important.. Then why does school starts so early?
  21. Girl to girl: “Awhh, you’re really pretty!” “Thank you so much, you are too!” Guy to guy: “You’re handsome” “Wtf? Dude are you gay?”
  22. Women say childbirth is the most painful thing… obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
  23. I text you a whole paragraph within 5 minutes and you text me back 40 minutes later saying “LOL”… Are you asking to be punched?
  24. Teacher: Today we’re watching a movie. Students: YAY! Teacher: So get out a pen & paper, we’re taking notes. Students: SHIIIT -.-
  25. Mom: YOUR GROUNDED. Teen: Psh. Fine I don’t care. Mom: Give me your phone then. Teen: OMG I’M SO SORRY MOM I LOVE YOU!
  26. I’m sure my pillow could be a hairstylist. I always wake up with a new hairstyle.
  27. I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school.
  28. Dear Math teacher, I don’t care what f(x) is. Sincerely, f(you).
  29. That awkward moment when a teacher’s yelling at your friend & the class is all serious & you’re about to burst out laughing.
  30. Sometimes when I close my eyes………… I can’t see

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