“Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.”
“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”
“It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.”
“Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.”
“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”
“If you ask me a question I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.”
“I’M NOT TAILGATING I’M KISSING ASS”
“It ain’t the heat; it’s the humility.”
“It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.”
“I really didn’t say everything I said.”
“The only reason I need these gloves is ’cause of my hands.”
“You can’t think and hit at the same time.”
“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”
“If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.”
“If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.”
“All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.”
“The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.”
“I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
“If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.”
“Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency.”
“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening,but this wasn’t it.”
“Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.”
“Jesus loves me, this I know – that is why I don’t drive slow!”
“IF THE SCREAMS FROM MY TRUNK BOTHER YOU TURN UP YOUR RADIO”
“LAWYERS – CRIMINALS I FORGET THE DIFFERENCE”
“My feminine side is lesbian.”
“A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.”
“Love Thy neighbors but don’t get caught”
“Ice cream is not sexy. It’s not wiggly and jiggly.”
“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason”
“Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.”
“Without geometry, life is pointless.”
“Work, yeah I tried that once. Worst 7 minutes of my life.”
“For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.”
“Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.”
“Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?”
“You Look Like I Need Another Drink”
“Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.”
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I learned that you shouldn’t drink and drive because you might spill your drink.
Friends are like condoms, they’re there when things get hard.
The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
That’s why God put erases on pencils because people make mistakes.
Talk softly but carry a big stick.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.
The road to success is always under construction.
A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
There’s no half-singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
Intelligent doesn’t have to mean educated. And Creative doesn’t have to mean talented.
By the time you read this you’ve already read it.
The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*
I didn’t vote and I didn’t die! Fuck you P. Diddy!
Angry people need hugs (or sharp objects).
Nostradamus predicted you’d be a loser.
The funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn’t say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it you dumb fuck.
High on life- and glue!
Bullshit: the art of making the idiotic sound sensible.
Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.
Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect. So, what’s the point of practicing?
Life is Short – Talk Fast!
Save paper. Don’t do homework.
If a rose represents love, then why does it always die?
Laugh Until You Cry. Cry Until You Laugh.
Save water. Shower together.
Why are they called apartments if they are all stuck together?
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted and the time of your life!
Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
Homework is killing trees! Stop the madness!
There’s a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it’s not a train.
When you finally find the perfect guy you think to yourself, why isn’t he taken?
Every girl wants one guy to meet all her needs, while every guy wants all the girls to meet his one need.
Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider!
Guys are like a piece of gum. When they loose their flavor, you pop in a new one!
Well if I called the wrong number, why’d you answer?
I’m an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight!
He holds me when I start to cry. Makes me smile with just his eyes. Shares my hopes, dreams and fears. Wipes away all my tears. I love him without regret. I just haven’t found him yet.
I can only please one person per day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn’t look good either.
I’m not a blonde!! I’m knot! I’m knot! I’m knot!
If you need space, join NASA baby!!!
A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey’s monkey!
Everyone’s entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the privilege.
Birthdays are like boogers, the more you have the harder it is to breathe.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. – Franklin P. Jones
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. – George Burns
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t, either. – Dick Cavett
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. – Bob Hope
Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman. – Kathy Lette
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two… – Sir Norman Wisdom
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
